You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
