We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
