I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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