remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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