Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
