I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
