then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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