My sheets look like a crime scene.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
