At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
