There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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