Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
