She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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