No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
