At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
