i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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