Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I've blown a few things in my day
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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