Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
