his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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