saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
if i can run in heels then i can drive
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
