he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
