I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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