I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
FUCK WHALES
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
