I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Randomize
