we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
