you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Pants are for mortals
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
