it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
