He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
