Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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