dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
