please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
