I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
