you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
