when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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