Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
