the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
