I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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