If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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