you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
