Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
