Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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