Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
