I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
