Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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