I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
