Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
