so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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