How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
