Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
