i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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