Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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