Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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